July 14, 2008
Advice
4 Comments
I think the “Friend Zone” is stupid. It’s an excuse that a lot of women give to guys so they don’t have to give real excuses for why they don’t want to date them. “You are too good of a friend!” means that I really cannot possibly see myself enjoying sex with you. Guys love using it to make them feel like they didn’t do anything wrong. “Man, I totally got Friend Zone’d” means “I have no fucking clue why this girl will not let me bone her but I’ll call it this so that at LEAST it looks like I’m friends with girls, and it means that it’s not because I’m a jerk or she’s not attracted to me or I don’t have enough of a spine to stand up for myself.” How do you escape “The Friend Zone”? You find out what’s really wrong.
recently i started hanging out with this girl.
i met her while out wearing a fake mustache and she introduced herself by asking if i gave out mustache rides.
that night we made out a little, but that’s about it.
we call and talk or at least text message every day and hang out every couple days. i’ve introduced her to most my friends and me to hers, but always as a friend.
recently she said something along the lines of it taking her knowing someone for a couple months before she’s willing to become boyfriend/girlfriend, and to take things farther.
since then, she’s asked me to come over and watch movies and snuggle, and also if i wanted to look for a new place with her. when ever we hang out, she usually hangs all over me and constantly gives me hugs. i’ve tried giving her small kisses (mostly because i’m a huge fgt and fear rejection) and she gives little pecks back, but we haven’t gone back into full make out mode again.
did i get friend zoned already?
hugs and kisses, -guy incognito
Friend zoned? Probably not. A victim of those stupid rules that girls develop because they think they will be less likely to be hurt? More than likely.
Within minutes of meeting a new guy, girls are analyzing. His fingernails are dirty. He has a Mercedes keychain. He’s friends with Brittany, she’s a whore, he has probably slept with her. Whether or not we realize it, we are making assumptions about someone based on their appearance or their demeanor or any other random factoid we can collect. The same intuition that makes those assumptions REALIZES that we are making assumptions and must also prepare us for pain, whether we are right or wrong.
Stupid rules like that are a defense mechanism. Something has happened to this girl in the past or to someone she knows or she has just dreamed up some possibly painful situation out of thin air to make her think that over-analyzing and putting a timer on relationships will help make things work better in the end. Without the details I probably would have said “She’s just not that into you”, but the fact that she seems more than happy to receive the benefits of a budding relationship without the title make me think otherwise. I would recommend finding out WHY she has a self-proclaimed history of taking a long time to “take things further”… the answer to that might answer a lot more questions. If she has trust issues and is taking them out on you, you have to work pretty quickly to tackle that. You don’t deserve to take the blame for things that have gone wrong in the past. Submitting you to all of these “tests” might still not keep her from getting hurt, and it might even completely turn you off to her. These “tests” are not her, they are her avoiding getting hurt. You want to get to know her, see through the “tests”, and help her realize that they are more of a deterrent to a relationship than they are helpful. Keep making the moves, she’ll bite, and if she keeps leading you on like she sounds like she is, you can either keep it up and bend over and let her rape you with whatever rules she feels like she needs throughout the rest of your pre-relationship, relationship, marriage, whatever… or you can make her see the error of putting a good and well-meaning guy through meaningless drivel.
Short history on me, I’ve pretty much always ended up being a “friend” in regard to girls I’ve been interested in. Never really had a meaningful relationship, just some random hook ups. I realize that in the past I’ve become “that guy” essentially due to a complete lack of confidence in myself and no belief that girl X would want to be with me. Live and learn.
That brings me to my current situation. I am not perfect by any means but I am confident enough in myself and around the ladies that I don’t feel there are any limitations on me meeting/picking up/dating women aside from general incompatibility. That being said, I am crazy about a girl that I have been friends with for about 1.5 to 2 years now. In those ~2 years I have made great personal strides as far as being confident in myself etc., but it seems that all that is wasted because I’m so interested in this one girl .. problem being I don’t really have an interest in other girls aside from general flirting and having a good time when say, we’re out in a bar or something similar.
This girl and I, we have a pretty cool relationship in that we have talked several times about why we are not dating right now. Without getting to into it, essentially she doesn’t want to lose what we have as friends (we are very close friends, as in talking on the phone daily, usually for 1+ hours). And I think it’s that worth mentioning that from the get go, from the time we went from acquaintances to friends she has known I’ve been interested in more than that; but the first time we went out together we talked about it and I told her that I’d rather have her in my life as a friend as opposed to nothing at all because she won’t date me. I don’t want to lose that friendship either – its very important to me – and i realize taking our relationship to another level involves a big risk; but I think it would work very well. She is essentially afraid of the, “what if it didn’t?”
-strider
I used to think I had a Friend Zone. There were people that I could have never even dreamed of dating because I thought they were too much like brothers and I could never see them in that light. One of those people was my best friend Ben. One day Ben and I made out. It was pretty weird. Was he stuck in the Friend Zone? No, probably not. If either or both of us wanted us to happen, we probably could have worked through it. But neither of us wanted to put forth the effort. If I found out that he was really interested, I would probably have to re-think my view. He is an amazing guy and although I might feel a little weird about changing those boundaries, I don’t think I could come up with a valid reason for not dating him. He is not in my Friend Zone because I am open minded and would not risk the possibility of a happy relationship with a great guy just because it felt weird at first. The only thing I can come up with is that it might be weird if he wanted to date me but I was on the fence about dating him and then it ended up not being everything I thought it would be and I had to be the one to awkwardly break up with him. It’s a risk that I think is outweighed by the benefits, especially if the relationship starts off with both people being on the same page. If we both understand that we might get hurt, we CAN come out of it learning something new AND still being good friends.
That said… she needs to figure out if you are worth the effort, and you both need to accept the risk you are taking. You might end up not being friends at the end of it. You might cheat on her and she might realize you are not the person she thought you were. She might end up obnoxious or controlling or kind of psychotic. But any of these things can happen whether or not you date. If you find out she’s obnoxious or controlling or kind of psychotic, you probably won’t want to remain friends with her even if you’ve never dated her.
If I am comfortable in myself and what I have to offer in a relationship, I should have no problem taking the risk in breaking the stupid “friend zone” barrier. I might not be what you are looking for, but I’m pretty fucking awesome. If I’m not right for you, that’s cool… I still think you are fun to hang out with and we can still be friends in our search for what is right. If you’re not right for me, no hard feelings! If you are not who you say you are, if you are hiding something, if you lie to me… well, I don’t know if I want to be friends with you because I don’t really trust you, but I’m glad I found out now instead of torturing myself wondering “what if”.
I hate the Friends Zone. If everyone fell in love with their best friend, maybe people would actually communicate with their partners. Maybe people would be fully vested in their relationships instead of half-assing them. Maybe people would not be afraid to stand up for themselves or to fight or to argue. Maybe people would be happier. Or, maybe the glass is empty. Maybe everyone would realize how shitty people are, even their friends. Or… maybe you should grow a pear.
June 23, 2008
Advice
2 Comments
In celebration of my birthday on Wednesday (BUY ME PRESENTS), I am going to talk about one of my favorite things. This post is probably the most explicit post I’ve written so far. I don’t really know how to describe cumming in politically correct terminology. If that offends you, read it anyway, masturbate, cry in your guilty pleasure, then masturbate again with your guilty sin tears.
I told someone I was writing a post about female orgasms and they told me that I couldn’t do that because female orgasms are a myth and I might as well write about bigfoot and how awesome he is in bed because he is the only thing in the world that can make females orgasm because he is fake and so are… *sigh*
The female orgasm is no myth. And guess what? Neither are multiple orgasms. I know because I’ve been having them almost as long as I can remember masturbating.
This article is mostly aimed at females who are looking for more. Guys looking to give your girlfriends more… I’m sorry but this probably isn’t going to do much for you, unless you want to send your girlfriend the link and have her read it over. Multiples are rarely something that are given to you. They’re something you learn how to achieve.
So, my first tip is masturbation. Masturbation. Masturbation. If you can learn how to give yourself multiples, you can learn how to have them with your partner. It’s a lot easier to figure out things about your body by yourself, believe it or not… YOU know when you are close, YOU know when you need to touch more or less, YOU know how close you are to the edge to make yourself hang there.
After that… this gets pretty subjective, naturally. I know my body and I know what works for me. Step number one helps you figure out what works for you, but from here on out I’ll mostly be discussing my own methods to give you something to go off of, but YMMV.
Most women are capable of having different types of orgasms. I’ve managed three very different feelings: the clitoral orgasm, the G-Spot orgasm, and the combined orgasm. Most of my masturbation is just clitoral and this is how I’ve managed to train myself to pretty much expect multiples. If you’ve never had a clitoral orgasm, I guess that’s step number one… different women are different, I’ve heard some girls can get off just by humping a pillow which would be kinda neat, but personally I just apply index+middle fingers and rub back and forth. There’s an angle that works for me… figure out what works for you and repeat ad orgasm. The trick to multiples for me is letting the orgasm happen, but not letting my body come all the way back down from the orgasmic state. When it happens, I kind of stop and do it a bit more gently… then I start up again. For a second or two it feels a little like pain, but if I keep going I end up building up completely again. It takes practice, but I can now do this for about five minutes… pretty much five whole minutes of pre-orgasm or orgasm, both of which feel awesome. So yeah, that’s my main trick for multiple clitoral orgasms… wait until you’ve had an orgasm to start again, but don’t let your body come completely off of that climax high before you start again.
Another trick involves PC muscles. The best way I’ve found to figure out how to control them are by stopping your flow when you’re peeing. By strengthening them and then flexing them during and post orgasm, you can create completely new feelings that make it a bit easier to recover from one orgasm and go into another… if you can’t figure out how to have a second one, try having the first normally then the second with your PC muscles completely flexed. Once you have control over them, they can at least help you figure out if certain things feel better. They also really help to have vaginal orgasms, but that’s completely different. They also really help to blow a dudes mind when you flex them when you’re barely moving. Again. Totally different.
I don’t really know what else to say. It’s second nature to me to expect to have more than one orgasm at a time now. Sure one is fine. But I know what my body is capable of. I’m sure some women are not capable of the same things, but my main advice is probably just to try and try again. Masturbating isn’t bad, it’s the fastest way to figure out how to make yourself feel good. And I’ve said this many times before, it isn’t the responsibility of a man to figure out how you orgasm. If you don’t want to take the steps to figure it out yourself, don’t be surprised when no one else knows how the fuck your body works either.
That got kinda violent sounding, but it’s really a sore spot for me. I hate women who complain that they don’t have orgasms during sex with their boyfriend, then when I ask if they masturbate they say “No, I never have”. Um. What? If I was a dude and my girlfriend couldn’t have an orgasm but she didn’t want to figure out how to make me give her one, then I’d fuck her without regard to her pleasure, because obviously it doesn’t mean much to her. Actually, I’d probably dump her, but that’s because I’m a bit of an idealist and I don’t think I could get along very well with someone who didn’t put at least some value on sexual pleasure.
Anyway. I guess that’s it for my scant advice and raving criticisms of many of my gender. Specific questions can be e-mailed to helpmewithmygirlproblems@laurgasms.com or posted in the comments.
Happy birthday to me!
-laurgasms
June 23, 2008
Advice
No Comments
why are girls so crazy in the head lol (srsly why)
-sexninja!!!
Hormones, men, and the occasional disconnect from reality.
June 16, 2008
Advice
No Comments
I’m working on a post about multiple orgasms (for men AND women!) but my test subject is apparently too happy with his single orgasm to help me with research. Pfft. Amateur.
Until then, you get this happy little filler post with a question from IRC.
here is a question for your site lauren, how do you make a girl feel special and sexy if she is feeling fat and frumpy?
-shavenewok
Girls are weird. We think into things a lot, things that don’t need to be thought into. Oftentimes, this includes our looks or our bodies. You might think we are gorgeous without makeup, we might feel like monsters. Self confidence is weird, too.
There might not be a way for her to feel special and every little thing you say might be the wrong thing no matter what it is. A huge part of dealing with this is going to come from learning about exactly what is making her feel that way… and actually, she will deal better with it if she figures out why she’s feeling down. If this is a long-term issue or reoccurs quite often, it’s probably something you need to talk to her about; the more she complains about her own faults, the more often you’re probably going to notice them. I don’t understand why women do this. Anyway, my first point is this… personal insecurities can be relationship poison. Don’t let them be, and don’t let her turn them into a deal-breaker. You might want to try to find a way to get you both to the root of the issue before you just try to glaze over the problem with some sweet gestures. But, sweet gestures are surely a short-term remedy!
That said, one pretty safe gesture would be to compliment something about her that is really unique. A facial feature, a body part. Letting her know that you appreciate something that is a defining feature of her is a good way to point out that you notice what sets her apart from other girls. Be careful, though… if you stick with the same thing to compliment, it kind of loses it’s specialness. Pick something that you don’t usually notice or comment on. She’ll notice the thought.
Another point is that you might want to do what you can to make sure she gets plentiful and GOOD sleep. A good night sleep is pretty crucial to feeling happy and beautiful. We’ve all heard that good sleep will improve mood; it only makes sense that it also helps to combat depression and increase self assurance. Take some steps to help relax her; maybe a relaxing massage or a hot bath with some sort of relaxing scented bath salts. And of course… moderate exercise does help with mood, body image, and sleep. You probably don’t want to mention it when she’s feeling down about herself, but there are creative ways to get her involved in exercise; invite her on a kayaking trip during the day, then take her home for that massage and bath. She’ll sleep like a baby and feel fantastic in the morning!
Basically, she just needs to know that you appreciate her for who she is. As long as it isn’t a consistently reoccurring state of mind, it’s pretty normal to feel “frumpy” every now and then. Your job is to help her to realize that her insecurities with herself have nothing to do with your feelings for her. Getting her mind off of it or helping her out of the mood is secondary to finding out exactly why she feels the way she does and trying to get her on a path to making HERSELF feel good.
Comments are appreciated, and I’m in need of some more e-mails!! helpmewithmygirlproblems@laurgasms.com
-gasms
June 11, 2008
Advice
No Comments
I have had such an awful week at work that I have been severely neglecting this blog. It will not happen again. Here is one of the first e-mails I received.
Im in my late 20s getting scarily close to 30. im not fat, im not horribly disfigured or crippled, and my chick friends say im not ugly (a few have even had minor crushes on me in the past that i didnt find out about until much later). Nor am I ATTN. Unfortuanately I was also really really shy in high school, and into college, so I’m way behind in the whole girls game…ie, I didn’t even kiss a girl until i was in college. Anyway, the problem of course is that I’m fast approaching 30 and still lacking the sex0r (not even once, much to my chagrin). So I’m talking to this one girl now, and she has made veiled comments that she’d be willing to sex0r me, so FINALLY I might be able to shake this burden for once — except that presents a problem: Do I tell her I still have the v-badge and risk scaring her off and embarrassing myself, or just not mention it at all and hope she doesn’t notice if/when we finally get down to bidness? I’m worried that If/when it happens I won’t know WTF, and if she doesn’t know about my total lack of experience she’ll just chalk it up to me being epic fail at the sex…whereas if she DID know i had no sex0r skill-ups yet, she would be more forgiving if I totally sucked at it the first time….but that assumes that she isn’t weirded out by it all and scared off to begin with, being almost 30 and still a virgin and all (which is embarassing enough as it is!). Anyway what should I do halp
LOVE: ANONYMOUS SHACKER
I talked this over with my favorite confidante and we ended up on a completely awful tangent about how sex is a lose-lose situation because if you sleep with too many people you lose and if you sleep with too few people you lose and how women should come with manuals saying “You should sleep with 3.2 people prior to me” but that’s kind of the same thing as all jobs requiring previous job related experience but how can you get experience if all jobs require it. Yeah it was a ridiculous conversation, but I think we both came to the same conclusion.
If you have sex with her and don’t tell her but tell her afterwards, you’re really just starting off this possible relationship on an awful foot. She knows that you are capable of withholding the truth from her. And if she’s anything like me, she might get upset that you didn’t tell her that she was going to be your first. And it’s pretty much saying to her that you were honest because you didn’t want to feel guilty about it, but that you were using her so that you didn’t have to say this to other girls in the future. On the other hand, she might be easygoing enough to let it by… hey, she might laugh it off and be surprised! But that’s really a chance you’d have to weigh out in your head.
If you don’t tell her at all and you end up in a relationship with her, she might in the future ask how many girls you’ve been with. If you tell her the truth, that she was your first, imagine all of those previous consequences times about a billion. If you lie, that is what you are basing your relationship on, and I don’t know how many times I can say not to do that.
If you tell her off the bat, there are a couple of different ways it could go. I personally support this option, as does Shacker SolrFlare.
Three reasons: 1) if you are bad, then at least she knows it’s due to lack of experience. 2) If the girl really likes you, she’ll probably try to make it a first time you’ll never forget. 3) If it turns the girl off from you completely, then it’s probably not a relationship you would want to continue anyway.
That’s pretty much it. Option number 3 sounds pretty awful, but honestly, you’ve waited almost 30 years at this point. What is a little while longer, if it means you don’t have the memory of your first tied to a bitch?
You sound like you have your head pretty well on your shoulders. If it doesn’t happen with this girl, it’ll happen eventually. Just get yourself out there, meet a lot of people, and increase your odds! And if you’re really worried about performance, just relax and pay attention to her, it’s not too hard to figure out when she likes something (but that is a completely separate article).
Keep the e-mails coming, guys!
helpmewithmygirlproblems@laurgasms.com
June 4, 2008
Advice
No Comments
My first post is in honor of a happy day for the democratic party.
“Why do white girls love to give head so much more than black ones?” – mr.sleepy
I call it Hillary Clinton syndrome. An ambitious and stubborn white woman just cannot give up against a black powerhouse.
But in all seriousness, there are a lot of social stereotypes when it comes to interracial relationships. Social stereotypes lead to people thinking that they are or aren’t supposed to act a certain way. Women are supposed to only have sex in monogamous situations but it’s okay for men not to, so a lot of women stop having promiscuous sex just because it’s their perceived social norm. Black women are rumored to not like giving head, by both black and non-black culture, so some may develop their sexual personalities around that, either because they’ve decided that there is something wrong with it or for other reasons.
“Lamarr, 30, an attorney in L.A., insists there are sexual benefits to interracial dating: ‘White women are much more accommodating. There’s a saying, What a Black woman won’t do for you, a White woman will.’ He says he recently had one sister tell him, ‘Look, I’m Black. I’m not going to be giving head like the White girls do.’” Essence, 2006.
I should also throw in here that you’ve gotten lucky with some of those white women who enjoy giving head because that is not necessarily the norm there either!
If it’s really something that bothers you, talk to her about it and try to find out what her issues REALLY are.
It could be a confidence issue on her part, buying into the stereotype and feeling like she wouldn’t be able to please you orally. If it’s a hygiene hangup, a shower together before sexy times can lay that to rest, and makes for great foreplay. – Dan C.
If it’s something you’ve become used to but she refuses to compromise in the least, then it becomes a situation where you have to decide if that is a dealbreaker or not. Personally, I’d say that head is probably fantastic, but if she’s pleasing you otherwise, I doubt it’s something to give it all up over. Plus if she does it begrudgingly she might not pay attention and from what I’ve heard teeth are bad.
Or was that teeth are good? *chomp*