helpmewithmygirlproblems

Never try to make life or death decisions when you’re feeling suicidal.

Today’s e-mail comes from a returning Anon, who apparently actually appreciated my advice for him in his first e-mail. Read over that one first to get a better picture of the whole situation. Hope I can help again! (I would also like to mention that this was sent to me less than 12 hours ago. Take that, world! I’m back!)

We broke up about a month ago. Being with me really opened up a lot of questions about what she wants in life and the things she believes and desires. She tells me that she’s not sure whether she wants a man who doesn’t have similar beliefs toward god, and she’s going to find out for herself what she wants in life and go for it. Objectively this sounds great to me, and is what I’ve been advocating the entire time we were together, and I genuinely feel happy for her and the fact that she has a chance to find what exactly she wants in her life and pursue it. We still talk every once in a while but not very often.

Here’s where the problem comes in, however. During the time that I’ve been away from her, I’ve come to realize that she is the person I want in my life. I don’t think I’ve met another girl in my life who has so many qualities that I desire in a woman. I want to do whatever I can to show her this, on the chance that she’ll come around and perhaps realize that religion doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. The problem with this obviously is that there’s nothing I can do to make her do any such thing, and she’s going to have to come to this realization herself, if at all. I also don’t want to pressure her on the chance that she’ll relent only to end up regretting it.

Right now I’m playing it cool and giving her space, but how do I show her that I really want her without making her feel trapped?

Thanks again!

My initial reading immediately brought to mind a number of specific instances with some of my closest friends, where within weeks of a (in most cases, well-needed) breakup they came to the conclusion that it was a mistake. The problem is that it usually isn’t a mistake. After dating for a certain amount of time, you really get the feel for whether or not the relationship can really endure. Then, when you break up, you feel a bit of relief for a while. And then you forget the bad things, and you remember the good things. It’s no one’s fault, really… but the blinders truly do exist. You start to feel like you could work through the differences , that they really weren’t as bad as you were making them out to be in the situation. Sometimes it’s true, I’m sure of that. But most of the time, it’s the combination of a wound plus time plus loneliness.

Like I mentioned, I have specifically helped a few people deal with similar situations. My advice to them was not to push, for two reasons. First of all, it took you a certain amount of time to arrive to this conclusion for yourself. She might have different turnaround times when it comes to making decisions, or she might have completely different factors affecting her life right now. She deserves the same space and respect that you were given. Second of all, you might not be fully considering the implications of getting back together. This includes not entirely recognizing the implications of the differences that broke you up in the first place. I’m not really going to go into everything I could regarding that; personally, I’ve seen disconnections in faith be a huge detriment to a romantic relationship. Especially a long-term one; as soon as you start thinking about the future and marriage and children, the situation gets even more complicated. For both of these reasons, it’s logical to spend at least a little more time living life separately. If she really is the one you want in your life forever, she’ll still be that person in a couple of months. People might say “act on it now or else she’ll be gone!” but that’s crap. If she doesn’t come to the same conclusion on her own, it wouldn’t have worked out if she came to the same conclusion with some prodding from you.

As for making her feel like you really do want her back… I’m not entirely sure I can give you that advice, given what I’ve already said. You could sit down with her and explain the conclusions you’ve come to and why you’ve come to them. Why she is special, why you think you could work through the issues, why you want her to TRY to work through the issues with you. Lay everything out on the line. But, as you mentioned, she might feel trapped or pressured that way. Even if you ended with an explanation of why she doesn’t have to make a decision now but you wanted her to know this and that and blah blah blah, she might feel like she HAS to speed up her decision. The other option is just to let her figure it out on her own. BUT, she might not make the choice you want if you don’t lay everything out. I guess this is the option I lean more towards, mostly just because it gives both of you more time to consider everything, but also because it respects that she is able to come to her own emotional and logical conclusions without a guiding influence. It’s a calculated risk one way or the other. My opinion tends to lean to the one that takes out the risk of ending up in a relationship with the same shortcomings as the one you e-mailed about a few months ago… which means taking more time to think is a good idea.

Good luck, and keep in touch!