helpmewithmygirlproblems

Sex Before Marriage

Glug glug. Happy holidays, I’m back. This update is brought to you in part because… I’m engaged now! Yeay!

I’m also late to the girls game, and now I’ve a girlfriend I love, and it’s great. However, she’s highly religious and I’m agnostic. She’s gotten over the initial disinclination to date me in the first place, since ideally she’d like someone who shares her passion for her faith, and now we’re together. I’ve been with her for a couple months now, and we’ve talked about sex and our desires and intentions. The short of it: she intends to wait to have sex until marriage (she’s a virgin), while I think it’s a terrible idea to marry somebody before you have sex with them (since I hope to stay married for life, and I don’t really want there to be any large surprises in the relationship before agreeing to marry). I’m also a virgin, and a little bit worried about what to do here, since I don’t think this is such a deal-breaker as to call it off (else I’d have already done that). I don’t think sex should define a relationship, but it seems like an important component, enough so that there would be something wrong were it to be missing.

That said, I’m highly interested in what sex will be like, and I’m hoping to try as many ways as I can think of when I get a willing partner (blame ShackNWS?). – Anonymous

Sex is part of a good, healthy relationship. Whether that be a good, healthy relationship before marriage or a good, healthy relationship after marriage is surely up for debate. But I firmly believe that to really succeed as a couple, two people must see eye-to-eye when it comes to sex.

If one person wants it a lot more than the other, it can lead to serious resentment issues and problems communicating. If one person wants to just FUCK sometimes but the other person would just rather make slow and sensual love every single time, again, serious issues.

It’s just like some of the other “BIG” things that people butt heads over. If one person is really messy and another person is anal retentively clean, this can present problems. Fuck, if one person squeezes the toothpaste from the top and the other one from the bottom this can be a DEALBREAKER for some people. The only way to figure out how to work through those problems is to see how you deal with the other person in that situation. Maybe the clean one decides that they can live with cleaning up after the messy one as long as the messy one helps out a bit. Maybe the messy one decides they absolutely can not live with someone so freakishly organized. Maybe they stop using toothpaste altogether.

It makes the most sense to try out something before you make a lifelong commitment to it. I don’t understand people or religions who have issues against cohabitation or sex before marriage for this reason. In my mind, the founders of religion came up with these kinds of weird hangups so that people worked harder to make their marriage work once they were stuck. But it’s not like that anymore. People have realized that divorce is, sadly, a likely possibility when they get married, so cohabitation and sex before marriage (in a committed relationship) isn’t quite so taboo. The REAL reason to value marriage isn’t necessarily so that person will be the “first” or the “only” love or lover or cohabitator, it should be because they are the best and the last.

Sex shouldn’t necessarily define a relationship, but it has the potential to ruin one. I’ve seen people stuck and unhappy in marriages because they did not have sex before and they realized too late that they did not really mesh with their now-wife or husband. They justify being unhappy because they made a commitment and want to stick to it and it’s not a deal-breaker. So when asked to give advice on the subject, my automatic thought goes to them, and how I’m sure if given the chance they would have MADE it a deal-breaker before they made a deal they REALLY didn’t want to break. I’ve also seen couples in relationships who just aren’t sure if they are with the right person. A guy or a girl who has only ever had sex with one person then wonders what it would be like to have sex with ANYONE else. Until both people jump in with both feet, it’s not really fair to anyone. Those insecurities and unsureities aren’t going to go away until you either turn a corner mentally and decide that the one you’re with is worth not having sex with anyone else, you cheat on her, or you break up with her to figure out exactly what the hell you want before you commit to something you’re not sure about but are stuck with after that.

I would try having that discussion with her and find out what her reasons really are for valuing what she values. It’s not an attack on what she believes and she should be willing to explain to you her justification, just as you should explain yours. If this is a relationship that is really going to go somewhere, these are conversations you will have to have at some point anyway, about pretty much everything. Talk openly and honestly. Both her answers and her reaction to the conversation can tell you a lot about her.

Whatever happens, there is a decision to be made. No, it would not be wise for you to try to get her to go against her beliefs just to save your relationship… but it would also not be wise for you to do something that doesn’t sit well with you just because you don’t want to feel like you are pressuring her. Not saying that she will, but I’ve seen girls who are like this use their beliefs as a way to be a victim. Don’t fall for it. She has beliefs that she would like to stick to, but make sure she also knows that you have feelings that are to be just as much respected. If you simply stand up for yourself, you are doing exactly what she is doing. But people with “convictions” often wield them as weapons; just because your opinions aren’t necessarily the same doesn’t mean they are any less valid even if they aren’t accepted by her, her religion, or whatever else.

Good luck!!