The Stupid Zone
July 14, 2008 Advice 4 Comments
I think the “Friend Zone” is stupid. It’s an excuse that a lot of women give to guys so they don’t have to give real excuses for why they don’t want to date them. “You are too good of a friend!” means that I really cannot possibly see myself enjoying sex with you. Guys love using it to make them feel like they didn’t do anything wrong. “Man, I totally got Friend Zone’d” means “I have no fucking clue why this girl will not let me bone her but I’ll call it this so that at LEAST it looks like I’m friends with girls, and it means that it’s not because I’m a jerk or she’s not attracted to me or I don’t have enough of a spine to stand up for myself.” How do you escape “The Friend Zone”? You find out what’s really wrong.
recently i started hanging out with this girl.
i met her while out wearing a fake mustache and she introduced herself by asking if i gave out mustache rides.
that night we made out a little, but that’s about it.
we call and talk or at least text message every day and hang out every couple days. i’ve introduced her to most my friends and me to hers, but always as a friend.
recently she said something along the lines of it taking her knowing someone for a couple months before she’s willing to become boyfriend/girlfriend, and to take things farther.
since then, she’s asked me to come over and watch movies and snuggle, and also if i wanted to look for a new place with her. when ever we hang out, she usually hangs all over me and constantly gives me hugs. i’ve tried giving her small kisses (mostly because i’m a huge fgt and fear rejection) and she gives little pecks back, but we haven’t gone back into full make out mode again.
did i get friend zoned already?
hugs and kisses, -guy incognito
Friend zoned? Probably not. A victim of those stupid rules that girls develop because they think they will be less likely to be hurt? More than likely.
Within minutes of meeting a new guy, girls are analyzing. His fingernails are dirty. He has a Mercedes keychain. He’s friends with Brittany, she’s a whore, he has probably slept with her. Whether or not we realize it, we are making assumptions about someone based on their appearance or their demeanor or any other random factoid we can collect. The same intuition that makes those assumptions REALIZES that we are making assumptions and must also prepare us for pain, whether we are right or wrong.
Stupid rules like that are a defense mechanism. Something has happened to this girl in the past or to someone she knows or she has just dreamed up some possibly painful situation out of thin air to make her think that over-analyzing and putting a timer on relationships will help make things work better in the end. Without the details I probably would have said “She’s just not that into you”, but the fact that she seems more than happy to receive the benefits of a budding relationship without the title make me think otherwise. I would recommend finding out WHY she has a self-proclaimed history of taking a long time to “take things further”… the answer to that might answer a lot more questions. If she has trust issues and is taking them out on you, you have to work pretty quickly to tackle that. You don’t deserve to take the blame for things that have gone wrong in the past. Submitting you to all of these “tests” might still not keep her from getting hurt, and it might even completely turn you off to her. These “tests” are not her, they are her avoiding getting hurt. You want to get to know her, see through the “tests”, and help her realize that they are more of a deterrent to a relationship than they are helpful. Keep making the moves, she’ll bite, and if she keeps leading you on like she sounds like she is, you can either keep it up and bend over and let her rape you with whatever rules she feels like she needs throughout the rest of your pre-relationship, relationship, marriage, whatever… or you can make her see the error of putting a good and well-meaning guy through meaningless drivel.
Short history on me, I’ve pretty much always ended up being a “friend” in regard to girls I’ve been interested in. Never really had a meaningful relationship, just some random hook ups. I realize that in the past I’ve become “that guy” essentially due to a complete lack of confidence in myself and no belief that girl X would want to be with me. Live and learn.
That brings me to my current situation. I am not perfect by any means but I am confident enough in myself and around the ladies that I don’t feel there are any limitations on me meeting/picking up/dating women aside from general incompatibility. That being said, I am crazy about a girl that I have been friends with for about 1.5 to 2 years now. In those ~2 years I have made great personal strides as far as being confident in myself etc., but it seems that all that is wasted because I’m so interested in this one girl .. problem being I don’t really have an interest in other girls aside from general flirting and having a good time when say, we’re out in a bar or something similar.
This girl and I, we have a pretty cool relationship in that we have talked several times about why we are not dating right now. Without getting to into it, essentially she doesn’t want to lose what we have as friends (we are very close friends, as in talking on the phone daily, usually for 1+ hours). And I think it’s that worth mentioning that from the get go, from the time we went from acquaintances to friends she has known I’ve been interested in more than that; but the first time we went out together we talked about it and I told her that I’d rather have her in my life as a friend as opposed to nothing at all because she won’t date me. I don’t want to lose that friendship either – its very important to me – and i realize taking our relationship to another level involves a big risk; but I think it would work very well. She is essentially afraid of the, “what if it didn’t?”
-strider
I used to think I had a Friend Zone. There were people that I could have never even dreamed of dating because I thought they were too much like brothers and I could never see them in that light. One of those people was my best friend Ben. One day Ben and I made out. It was pretty weird. Was he stuck in the Friend Zone? No, probably not. If either or both of us wanted us to happen, we probably could have worked through it. But neither of us wanted to put forth the effort. If I found out that he was really interested, I would probably have to re-think my view. He is an amazing guy and although I might feel a little weird about changing those boundaries, I don’t think I could come up with a valid reason for not dating him. He is not in my Friend Zone because I am open minded and would not risk the possibility of a happy relationship with a great guy just because it felt weird at first. The only thing I can come up with is that it might be weird if he wanted to date me but I was on the fence about dating him and then it ended up not being everything I thought it would be and I had to be the one to awkwardly break up with him. It’s a risk that I think is outweighed by the benefits, especially if the relationship starts off with both people being on the same page. If we both understand that we might get hurt, we CAN come out of it learning something new AND still being good friends.
That said… she needs to figure out if you are worth the effort, and you both need to accept the risk you are taking. You might end up not being friends at the end of it. You might cheat on her and she might realize you are not the person she thought you were. She might end up obnoxious or controlling or kind of psychotic. But any of these things can happen whether or not you date. If you find out she’s obnoxious or controlling or kind of psychotic, you probably won’t want to remain friends with her even if you’ve never dated her.
If I am comfortable in myself and what I have to offer in a relationship, I should have no problem taking the risk in breaking the stupid “friend zone” barrier. I might not be what you are looking for, but I’m pretty fucking awesome. If I’m not right for you, that’s cool… I still think you are fun to hang out with and we can still be friends in our search for what is right. If you’re not right for me, no hard feelings! If you are not who you say you are, if you are hiding something, if you lie to me… well, I don’t know if I want to be friends with you because I don’t really trust you, but I’m glad I found out now instead of torturing myself wondering “what if”.
I hate the Friends Zone. If everyone fell in love with their best friend, maybe people would actually communicate with their partners. Maybe people would be fully vested in their relationships instead of half-assing them. Maybe people would not be afraid to stand up for themselves or to fight or to argue. Maybe people would be happier. Or, maybe the glass is empty. Maybe everyone would realize how shitty people are, even their friends. Or… maybe you should grow a pear.