helpmewithmygirlproblems

30-Year Old Virgin

I have had such an awful week at work that I have been severely neglecting this blog. It will not happen again. Here is one of the first e-mails I received.

Im in my late 20s getting scarily close to 30. im not fat, im not horribly disfigured or crippled, and my chick friends say im not ugly (a few have even had minor crushes on me in the past that i didnt find out about until much later). Nor am I ATTN. Unfortuanately I was also really really shy in high school, and into college, so I’m way behind in the whole girls game…ie, I didn’t even kiss a girl until i was in college. Anyway, the problem of course is that I’m fast approaching 30 and still lacking the sex0r (not even once, much to my chagrin). So I’m talking to this one girl now, and she has made veiled comments that she’d be willing to sex0r me, so FINALLY I might be able to shake this burden for once — except that presents a problem: Do I tell her I still have the v-badge and risk scaring her off and embarrassing myself, or just not mention it at all and hope she doesn’t notice if/when we finally get down to bidness? I’m worried that If/when it happens I won’t know WTF, and if she doesn’t know about my total lack of experience she’ll just chalk it up to me being epic fail at the sex…whereas if she DID know i had no sex0r skill-ups yet, she would be more forgiving if I totally sucked at it the first time….but that assumes that she isn’t weirded out by it all and scared off to begin with, being almost 30 and still a virgin and all (which is embarassing enough as it is!). Anyway what should I do halp

LOVE: ANONYMOUS SHACKER

I talked this over with my favorite confidante and we ended up on a completely awful tangent about how sex is a lose-lose situation because if you sleep with too many people you lose and if you sleep with too few people you lose and how women should come with manuals saying “You should sleep with 3.2 people prior to me” but that’s kind of the same thing as all jobs requiring previous job related experience but how can you get experience if all jobs require it. Yeah it was a ridiculous conversation, but I think we both came to the same conclusion.

If you have sex with her and don’t tell her but tell her afterwards, you’re really just starting off this possible relationship on an awful foot. She knows that you are capable of withholding the truth from her. And if she’s anything like me, she might get upset that you didn’t tell her that she was going to be your first. And it’s pretty much saying to her that you were honest because you didn’t want to feel guilty about it, but that you were using her so that you didn’t have to say this to other girls in the future. On the other hand, she might be easygoing enough to let it by… hey, she might laugh it off and be surprised! But that’s really a chance you’d have to weigh out in your head.

If you don’t tell her at all and you end up in a relationship with her, she might in the future ask how many girls you’ve been with. If you tell her the truth, that she was your first, imagine all of those previous consequences times about a billion. If you lie, that is what you are basing your relationship on, and I don’t know how many times I can say not to do that.

If you tell her off the bat, there are a couple of different ways it could go. I personally support this option, as does Shacker SolrFlare.

Three reasons: 1) if you are bad, then at least she knows it’s due to lack of experience. 2) If the girl really likes you, she’ll probably try to make it a first time you’ll never forget. 3) If it turns the girl off from you completely, then it’s probably not a relationship you would want to continue anyway.

That’s pretty much it. Option number 3 sounds pretty awful, but honestly, you’ve waited almost 30 years at this point. What is a little while longer, if it means you don’t have the memory of your first tied to a bitch?

You sound like you have your head pretty well on your shoulders. If it doesn’t happen with this girl, it’ll happen eventually. Just get yourself out there, meet a lot of people, and increase your odds! And if you’re really worried about performance, just relax and pay attention to her, it’s not too hard to figure out when she likes something (but that is a completely separate article).

Keep the e-mails coming, guys!

helpmewithmygirlproblems@laurgasms.com